Prayer of a Working Man

I  am exhausted, Lord

weary to shaking

sick in my guts

and beyond thinking

I  gave everything to this

but it was not enough

I listened

I took notes

I studied

and I got it wrong

not just not good enough

not just too slow

dead wrong

I

my little kernel of self esteem feels smashed open

and drained away

Am I a fool to hope I can do this job?

Should I just face the fact

that I am not good enough 

and never was

always was a failure

who had big ideas

but was never really competent

at anything

I

and leave the snide remarks behind

forget the foolishness of trying to do well

while others lie and whinge

and are lazy

but I cannot walk out

I

or there will be no [pay

and then no food

no house... I dare not think

but how long, Lord, can I go  in this

carrying m screaming soul home

struggling reluctantly back in the mornings

burdened with family worries as well

let me lie out on the path and

look up to the stars

let me feel you there around me

in the warm dark night

I

but I need remaking first

© Jan Thomas