October 10 2005
I read the liturgy for the baptism and am simply shocked. How far I have moved outside the church! I am reading foreign words. I did not once believe them; now I do not even understand. I sit and try and remember what I once knew. I see the closed world of the church, which looks out through its own blinkers, and makes claims about the nature of reality that only work for people on the inside. Perhaps some would call this being part of the theological circle. Tonight it is hard not to see it as wilful belief in a make believe world, and wilful ignorance for the sake of a pleasant belief.
I want to turn towards what is ultimate. I wish to hold my little child up to all that is good. I do not know what I should call this Ultimate, or what this God might be, but it is not what I have seen here.
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