I struggle in two ways. I struggle with the idea that there is "more," a ''divine" to which I can in any meaningful way relate. It feels that there must be "More'' but how it can be knowable I do not know. I have no sense of it touching me. I can barely imagine how to think of it.
I do not any longer find the words of church or scripture bring me towards it or give it any reality. Reading The Office I think, and feel, "This is not true." I feel this not simply in crude factual language but in the sense that the metaphors themselves are empty. They bring nothing to me. I can give nothing to them but " No, not this." They are empty.
I also struggle with the church. I have fallen out of love with the church. I grieve, but there is nothing today which makes me want to commit to her again or be inclined to trust her. Even more, I do not believe in the church. I have nothing in common with what I hear being said in worship. It leaves me unmoved, offended even. I remember my love but I cannot love her.
I think no one can help me here. Authority is done with. There is no book to read. I can only be open to what is. I can only listen and watch. Perhaps one day I will read Mark again- or Isaiah- and at last there will be the old recognition, the old knowing that he is writing about that same "More" which I too, feel. David
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